I haven't written in a while, but I neeeeed it. Writing has always soothed my soul, and today is no different.

Life is crazy, and I think it's going to feel that way from now until I'm dead. My friendships/relationships have been a little off wall lately and I feel tangled by them. It's like I don't know which way is up anymore, and to be honest I haven't felt this off balance since I got home from the mission.

Today a banner popped up on my phone letting me know that someone had posted something for me on Facebook. I probably stared at my phone for a good 5 minutes, unable to believe the name I saw because I hadn't talked to him in..forever. A few attempts before coming home, a few right as I got home, and then nothing. I never unfriended him, but I pretty much had our entire friendship confined to a random name in the 'friends list' section on a social media site. I didn't think I would ever hear from him on a personal level again.

But that banner said I was wrong. So I checked, and sure enough there was a small message three sentences long from him.

I almost cried.

We were never super close, it wasn't like we were best friends, but he was one of my people.

There are some people I meet and I just instantly fall in love with them, and he was one of them. He had me, has always had me really, and I would happily do anything for him. When I thought I would never get to talk with him again my heart broke a bit.

He was so colorful, so vibrant, so...kind. He was always so very kind and loving to me. Then he went radio-silent. But now he's back.

This post probably doesn't make sense, but I am really just so happy. Like down in the gut, I'm-going-to-bawl-myself-to-sleep-tonight happy. Because this is one thing I don't have to overthink, analyze, or break down.

It just is.

Also today I'm grateful for a Heavenly Father who loves me, and knows the best way to convey that love to me. 17 years ago today He sent my sister to my parents, and she became mine. :) I love her. I'm grateful for her.

Happy November.

I guess tonight I will continue, in not quite as grand a fashion, the tradition of love notes. This was something that held strong in an old blog of mine; a way to communicate the deepest parts of me to those around me. Sometimes they were funny, others more somber. There were many 'hellos', a few brokenhearted 'goodbyes', and I catalogued them all.

Tonight, one of my dearest catalogued for her tribe, and I count myself lucky to have been a part of that.

You gave me lovely words to think about, Sis. So let me give them right back to you, and the rest of you beauties.

My darlings--

You have no idea the impact you have on this broken little heart of mine. I say broken because there's just no way my heart can be whole when I feel this much love for all of you. It had to have shattered ages ago. 

There are so many intricate pieces to you all, little things that tie me up in the silliest ways. The way you love jazz music. The way your eyes light up when you see the first fireflies of the summer. The way we laugh about how nothing has changed. The way your long earrings tangle in your hair. The way you get heated when you talk politics and religion in the same breath. The way you sound when you sing next to me. The way Jesus is your favorite shade of everything, except that bottle of coke at your elbow. The way your voice rumbles through your chest. The way we talk missions like we never left. The way you smile when you get excited. The way you want to be the very best you, and how that makes me want to be the very best me. The easy way you love those around you. The way your family enveloped me completely.

I've always suspected I would fall in love quickly, and I guess you are the proof. All it's ever taken for you to mean something to me is a smile. The rest of you took it from there.

You smile so brightly on the days it is the hardest for you to do so. You make me laugh when all I want to do is cry. You eat the food I make for you, and feed me because you're worried about how I'm taking care of myself. You text, call, and write letters. You send me songs that will lift me, or Vines you think will make me laugh. You envelope me in hugs when my days get too hard. You hold my hand when you force me to watch scary movies with you, and on the rare night, let me sleep in your bed because I can't stand feeling alone. You encourage me to be better, to push higher because I can be so much more than I give myself credit for, and I know this is sounding an awful lot like it's all about me but...

...it's always been about you.

You anchor me steady. (Is that proper English? Probably not, I don't really care.) You keep me laughing. You keep me from going crazy on the best days, and off grid on my worst.

I wish I could adequately express the things I feel for you, but I don't think there will ever be words to do it justice. So this awkward blog post will have to do.

I adore you.

That's it.

That's all.

Siempre.

Things that make me happy today:

Sis. Beastie. My parents. Plum lipstick. A cold coke. My sweatpants. Burrowing under sheets and fluffy blankets. Warm hugs. Journal sharing in Sunday school. Pineapples. Pomegranates. Music. My school. Bright orange skirts. The beauty who shared her donuts today. Mini cuddles from Lizabeth. Love notes. My calling at church. The painting Ishel did for me that sits on the top of my desk. Canadian Thanksgiving. Texts from my Dad. The dance last night. Seeing old friends. Feeling loved and validated by someone I haven't talked to in forever. My hair. The Ladd family. The smell of fall/winter. Praying prayers.

I'm blessed.
It's a good day.

It's just after midnight and I don't know how to feel.

October 3rd.

I've been home from my mission for exactly one year today.

My mission is the single greatest thing I have ever done in my life, and I've done some pretty great things. I remember receiving my call to serve in Canada the same day my brother was called to Guatemala, and it was so glorious. It was nerve wrecking. I was the first missionary in my family. I was going to live in Canada for 18 months of my young life.

I landed in Canada on a cold day at the beginning of April. The sun was shining, the sky hot blue, and my coat was not nearly thick enough.

And that was the beginning of my greatest adventure to date.

I lived my life from planner to planner. For some reason it was always in Spanish. (I blame Mom for that.) My tag and my scriptures were my favorite possessions. The day I took my tag off  was the worst day ever. I cried so hard. I had a total of like...5 skirts, 4 sweaters, and 7 or 8 shirts. That was it. Everything else in my two suitcases was some form of book, journal, letter, or keepsakes.

I kept a tie from each of my favorite Elders. When other stuff got sent home so my suitcases weren't so heavy, those ties stayed in my bag. My Elders were what got me through some of the hardest moments in my entire mission.

I have so many thoughts and memories from those 18 months. I miss that one time Bronson and I got a flat on the way to District meeting, and random strangers helped us with it and then shouted at our Elders to "help their girls". I miss all the nights at the Ladd's, the days at the Fisk's, the small hands tugging at my skirts trying to get my attention. I miss that moment when Sanjay told me he thought I was wonderful, and Rachelle told me we obviously had to have been friends in the pre-mortal world. I miss that moment Kate walked into the water and was baptized. I miss eating at Eloise's and Michele's.

I miss eating with my Elder's, and fixing their clothes, and feeding them when they call me and used their most pitiful voices. I miss cuddling my companions when they had hard days, and singing out loud in the car, and finding sneaky letters from them in my bag. I miss Friday night dinners at the Schiess' house. I miss my stupid suitcases!!!!!!! And my transformer sheets.

I miss the feeling of my lungs freezing during winter, haha. Such a weird thing to miss but I do. That one transfer when I had to ride the bus with Smith was probably one of the best transfers of my mish! Arevalo and Ruth taking our bags for us to District meeting while we walk to church.

This is my pink note to that year and a half: You were everything I ever wanted and more. And if I had to do it all over again? I would.

In a heartbeat.

Today I am grateful for the following:

Abby. Lizabeth aka Baby Housemate. Math tests I know how to do. Glasses. Chapstick. Engagement videos. Elder Stevens. Food. My iPhone. Nail polish. Hairbrushes. Pictures. That girl I lived with in Canada AKA Harrison. Keetch and his encouragement to be better. Pens. Journals. Blogs. My dogs. Thanksgiving. Patriarchal blessings. PRAYERS. My scriptures. Irish. Laptops. Beastie. Brielley. Soda pop. Dad. High fives. Hugs. Carlita. Jordan. Sweat pants. Dreams. Harry Potter. Laughter.

I just freakin love today.
It's a good day. Even though it didn't turn out the way I wanted/hoped, I made it a good day. I made it a freakin' awesome day.

And that's it. That's the end of today.
Go team. :)

I'm sitting at my kitchen table reading excerpt from Thomas More's "Utopia" with Baby Housemate. It's due tomorrow for class discussion. So we sit and chit chat away, talking about the pros and cons to a society such as that one. She's got a great mind so it's really very fun to have real/serious discussions with her.

Then in a moment, I looked at her over the tops of our laptops and asked, "Do you ever wonder how different you and your life would be if you weren't scared of how things would turn out?"

The corner of her mouth lifted, and her curls bobbed when she nodded. "All the time."

She then proceeded to create a list similar to the mental one I had been creating: what would have happened if I had asked that boy out on a date? what would this person have said if I had called them like I meant to? how much confidence would I have if I just did things because I wanted to, without worrying about the small minds of others? what kind of person would I be if I took risks? what would I have? where would I be?

I have a tendency to wait sometimes. It's not an active waiting, the kind that the prophets and apostles tell us is good for us because it teaches patience. It's an impatient waiting, and that impatience is what often brings on the small waves of sadness. Let me tell you, it sucks. A lot. I really don't like it, but it's a horrible habit I seem to have acquired over the years. I think it's that lack of active waiting that causes me to miss out on good things in life, to not take those chances to be and become.

I'm all about becoming. That is something I gained a pretty strong testimony of when I was serving out in the great white north of Canada. It is also something I have to do jointly with Christ. Lucky for me, He has infinite patience and is willing to work with a willful heart like mine.

I guess when it all comes down to it....I just want more. I want to do more. Be more. Help more. Love more.

Live more.

And that's not a bad place to be.

It's Wednesday, and I am currently at home sick on my bed.
AHhhhhhhhh!

I was kind of hoping to put the sickness off until a little later but apparently my immune system had other plans. I also just realized that my walls are covered in sticky notes that a friend left behind from her impromptu and short visit earlier. Shout out to the culprit: hiiiiii Jazzy.

Also just realized I use the word literally too much. I should stop that.

So yeah, from the floor of the life I lead today. All things considered it's still a pretty good day/week. I got some 100's in math, my room is clean just not organized, and my family is the best. The one I have here, the one I was born into plus da Bradts, and the Canadia one. :) I wicked miss Canada. One of my very good friends here got off her mish not too terribly long ago and we talk about missing "the promised land". I don't know what she calls Cali in her mind, but Canadia is todos los promised land.

Also you might laugh at my improper use of Spanish, but I don't care. It's something one of my favorite housemates does. Abby is one of the most hilarious people I have ever met in my life, and I know some really funny people. She totally looks out for me and likes to call me the real mvp when I do things for her.

Blue Ridge is cooling off and fall is sweeping in all breezy-like. I'm excited. Fall here is beautiful, and it's that much closer to THANKSGIVING BABY!!!!! Which is my dad's favorite Holiday. :) Wooo! I love Holiday's. I've already started the gift-buying insanity that is my favorite part of the year. #Goteam

Alright. I love all you crazies. Keep it real.
Don't get sick. Use hand sanitizer!!!!!

Stay beautiful.

I feel overwhelmed, and inadequate, and like I don't really know what the heck I'm doing in this life of mine.

But it's such a good day. It shouldn't even be a good day but it is! I was home sick, I have a crap load of homework to do, I didn't get to spend as much time with friends as I wanted this weekend, and to be honest it will be a freakin miracle if I pass all my classes this semester. Ahhhhhh!

Life is so good though.

I'm eating a weird mix of peas in a really basic chicken salad, drinking a juice I don't particularly like. And I'm sitting across the table from Baby Housemate, the one who seriously makes my heart so happy. It's not the same friendship that I have with the Beauty next door who just gets me. She gets so happy and excited over the tiniest things and it just makes. me. so. happy. She glows. I love that. The Beauty is the one that keeps tabs on me, makes sure that I'm alive and well even when she isn't doing too hot. She makes me feel like I matter. She's my fav.

I'm happy. These girls make me happy. God makes me happy cause I know He's paying attention. Also I have peppermint hot cocoa!!! How is that not the greatest thing ever?! And I have knitting stuff :)

Basically my life is a mess and it's freakin awesome.

I will never have this time again.

My life in Buena Vista. Here where my identity is largely determined by my student and RM status, where it seems the only thing I have to worry about is getting my homework done before the weekend comes round again. Because I do love this life, and in a lot of ways it is a life of ease, fun, and no responsibilities.

But it's a life of uncertainty, and it's temporary. This isn't a lifestyle that is ongoing, it's a station I'm stopping at for a moment before continuing on my way.

And sometimes, on the hard days I wish I had someone I could sit down with and ask;

"Does it ever get easier?"

I'm pretty sure I know the answer to that question. I just wish I had a safe spot to just sit. And talk.

And grow quietly.

Happy first post!

While I would usually use this post to kind of set up the background/foundation of what you will find on this blog, I'm not going to. Mostly because something else popped up while I was making lunch today and I want to write about that before I forget.

There's a whiteboard in my house that always has scribbling on it. Sometimes it hold quotes, notes, hashtags, or reminders. Today there's a quote that my baby housemate put on it last night in the middle of our math war. (Baby housemate is one of my two favs.)

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure..."

So I stood barefoot in my kitchen thinking about that quote while mixing mayonnaise into my tuna fish for lunch. I've always loved that quote. My mom used to quote it to me when I was younger, and as someone who has never had a healthy sense of self esteem, it spoke to me. I had power. I had light.
It's a happy thought, and I dig that. But as I'm making my lunch the thought and quote morph into something altogether and it made me stop and think.

What if never finding love isn't actually something I'm afraid of? What if my actual fear is what to do when it finds me?

*mind blown*

So that's where I'm at; reevaluating and weighing thoughts carefully and conversing with God, because at this point? It's all I can do.

Ah, what a life to lead...