I guess tonight I will continue, in not quite as grand a fashion, the tradition of love notes. This was something that held strong in an old blog of mine; a way to communicate the deepest parts of me to those around me. Sometimes they were funny, others more somber. There were many 'hellos', a few brokenhearted 'goodbyes', and I catalogued them all.

Tonight, one of my dearest catalogued for her tribe, and I count myself lucky to have been a part of that.

You gave me lovely words to think about, Sis. So let me give them right back to you, and the rest of you beauties.

My darlings--

You have no idea the impact you have on this broken little heart of mine. I say broken because there's just no way my heart can be whole when I feel this much love for all of you. It had to have shattered ages ago. 

There are so many intricate pieces to you all, little things that tie me up in the silliest ways. The way you love jazz music. The way your eyes light up when you see the first fireflies of the summer. The way we laugh about how nothing has changed. The way your long earrings tangle in your hair. The way you get heated when you talk politics and religion in the same breath. The way you sound when you sing next to me. The way Jesus is your favorite shade of everything, except that bottle of coke at your elbow. The way your voice rumbles through your chest. The way we talk missions like we never left. The way you smile when you get excited. The way you want to be the very best you, and how that makes me want to be the very best me. The easy way you love those around you. The way your family enveloped me completely.

I've always suspected I would fall in love quickly, and I guess you are the proof. All it's ever taken for you to mean something to me is a smile. The rest of you took it from there.

You smile so brightly on the days it is the hardest for you to do so. You make me laugh when all I want to do is cry. You eat the food I make for you, and feed me because you're worried about how I'm taking care of myself. You text, call, and write letters. You send me songs that will lift me, or Vines you think will make me laugh. You envelope me in hugs when my days get too hard. You hold my hand when you force me to watch scary movies with you, and on the rare night, let me sleep in your bed because I can't stand feeling alone. You encourage me to be better, to push higher because I can be so much more than I give myself credit for, and I know this is sounding an awful lot like it's all about me but...

...it's always been about you.

You anchor me steady. (Is that proper English? Probably not, I don't really care.) You keep me laughing. You keep me from going crazy on the best days, and off grid on my worst.

I wish I could adequately express the things I feel for you, but I don't think there will ever be words to do it justice. So this awkward blog post will have to do.

I adore you.

That's it.

That's all.

Siempre.

Things that make me happy today:

Sis. Beastie. My parents. Plum lipstick. A cold coke. My sweatpants. Burrowing under sheets and fluffy blankets. Warm hugs. Journal sharing in Sunday school. Pineapples. Pomegranates. Music. My school. Bright orange skirts. The beauty who shared her donuts today. Mini cuddles from Lizabeth. Love notes. My calling at church. The painting Ishel did for me that sits on the top of my desk. Canadian Thanksgiving. Texts from my Dad. The dance last night. Seeing old friends. Feeling loved and validated by someone I haven't talked to in forever. My hair. The Ladd family. The smell of fall/winter. Praying prayers.

I'm blessed.
It's a good day.

It's just after midnight and I don't know how to feel.

October 3rd.

I've been home from my mission for exactly one year today.

My mission is the single greatest thing I have ever done in my life, and I've done some pretty great things. I remember receiving my call to serve in Canada the same day my brother was called to Guatemala, and it was so glorious. It was nerve wrecking. I was the first missionary in my family. I was going to live in Canada for 18 months of my young life.

I landed in Canada on a cold day at the beginning of April. The sun was shining, the sky hot blue, and my coat was not nearly thick enough.

And that was the beginning of my greatest adventure to date.

I lived my life from planner to planner. For some reason it was always in Spanish. (I blame Mom for that.) My tag and my scriptures were my favorite possessions. The day I took my tag off  was the worst day ever. I cried so hard. I had a total of like...5 skirts, 4 sweaters, and 7 or 8 shirts. That was it. Everything else in my two suitcases was some form of book, journal, letter, or keepsakes.

I kept a tie from each of my favorite Elders. When other stuff got sent home so my suitcases weren't so heavy, those ties stayed in my bag. My Elders were what got me through some of the hardest moments in my entire mission.

I have so many thoughts and memories from those 18 months. I miss that one time Bronson and I got a flat on the way to District meeting, and random strangers helped us with it and then shouted at our Elders to "help their girls". I miss all the nights at the Ladd's, the days at the Fisk's, the small hands tugging at my skirts trying to get my attention. I miss that moment when Sanjay told me he thought I was wonderful, and Rachelle told me we obviously had to have been friends in the pre-mortal world. I miss that moment Kate walked into the water and was baptized. I miss eating at Eloise's and Michele's.

I miss eating with my Elder's, and fixing their clothes, and feeding them when they call me and used their most pitiful voices. I miss cuddling my companions when they had hard days, and singing out loud in the car, and finding sneaky letters from them in my bag. I miss Friday night dinners at the Schiess' house. I miss my stupid suitcases!!!!!!! And my transformer sheets.

I miss the feeling of my lungs freezing during winter, haha. Such a weird thing to miss but I do. That one transfer when I had to ride the bus with Smith was probably one of the best transfers of my mish! Arevalo and Ruth taking our bags for us to District meeting while we walk to church.

This is my pink note to that year and a half: You were everything I ever wanted and more. And if I had to do it all over again? I would.

In a heartbeat.