all I can see is the shape of you 

in the burning mix of salt and mascara that 

strips my face of any lingering happiness before you whispered

her name against the seam of

my lips.

and though I know wishes are useless

I wish I couldn't still taste your

smile.

"There is no Arizona..."

I once had a job opportunity in Arizona to teach.

Interviews were going well, I had friends there as well as friends interviewing, and everything just looked like it was clicking so beautifully into place.

But it didn't. They never got back to me, even when I followed up to check. I remember feeling so lost, because that had looked like my best chance to have a "big kid" job and not live in my parents basement. (Joke's on them, I sleep upstairs!) What the heck was I going to do? Where was I going to go? How was I going to progress by moving back home? By all accounts it did not make sense.

But looking back now, almost a year later, I'm so glad I didn't get that job. Because you know what I did get?

I got more time with my youngest brother and sister before they become full blown adults and we never have time to be together.

I got to take two trips back to my University and visit with the friends I left behind. I got to see old professors and talk about the "real world" and the suck, but brilliance of adulthood. I got to take one of those trips with one of my FAVORITE HUMANS IN THE WORLD! We got to spend more time together before she went back north for the rest of forever.

I got to spend time with one of my best friends and her daughter before they move across country. Those few weeks consisted of too much applesauce, video games, Dave and Ava, and co-parenting an adorable 1 year old. I loved that!

I got to see an old friend again here over the holidays and meet her insanely cool husband. We're now bff's, and I have someone new to talk literature with.

I got to make plans to move out of my parents house, and to go do something with my life with one of the aforementioned friends.

I got Hailey, and Taylor, and Lizzy, and Derek.

I got to kiss one of my best friends. (10 points to Slytherin.)

I was given time.
I was given opportunity to grow, learn, and dream.

And I'll never be sorry for that.

"Four years, no calls..."

This song takes me back.

Due to circumstance beyond our control this will just have to do in lieu of conversation/letters/phone calls/texts. I don't think you'll much mind.

You were ingrained in my being. We mixed too hard, but then we never really contemplated separation, did we? I don't think we really thought about how life would provide the circumstances that would force us to really pull ourselves together and away from each other. We just were.

When I went to collect all my pieces to put myself together imagine my surprise when they weren't all there. Did I expect anything less? I guess I did. I thought that when the time came it would be fine, we would be fine, and there wouldn't be a hole in my life and heart in the shape of your smile or the size of a text message.

I miss you.

I miss the sound of your voice in my ear, and the feel of my phone going off at random hours, of the easy way my heart rested when we traded words. I miss knowing there was always someone in my corner. Boyfriends and girlfriends came and went, but we were the center that held.

Until we weren't.

I guess that's just part of growing up. It is what it is, and for the most part we moved on and past this. It's not a gaping wound, just an ache when the weather is right.

This song took me back to teenage you. To being thick as thieves. To being us.

"We ain't never getting older..."

I haven't written in a while, but I neeeeed it. Writing has always soothed my soul, and today is no different.

Life is crazy, and I think it's going to feel that way from now until I'm dead. My friendships/relationships have been a little off wall lately and I feel tangled by them. It's like I don't know which way is up anymore, and to be honest I haven't felt this off balance since I got home from the mission.

Today a banner popped up on my phone letting me know that someone had posted something for me on Facebook. I probably stared at my phone for a good 5 minutes, unable to believe the name I saw because I hadn't talked to him in..forever. A few attempts before coming home, a few right as I got home, and then nothing. I never unfriended him, but I pretty much had our entire friendship confined to a random name in the 'friends list' section on a social media site. I didn't think I would ever hear from him on a personal level again.

But that banner said I was wrong. So I checked, and sure enough there was a small message three sentences long from him.

I almost cried.

We were never super close, it wasn't like we were best friends, but he was one of my people.

There are some people I meet and I just instantly fall in love with them, and he was one of them. He had me, has always had me really, and I would happily do anything for him. When I thought I would never get to talk with him again my heart broke a bit.

He was so colorful, so vibrant, so...kind. He was always so very kind and loving to me. Then he went radio-silent. But now he's back.

This post probably doesn't make sense, but I am really just so happy. Like down in the gut, I'm-going-to-bawl-myself-to-sleep-tonight happy. Because this is one thing I don't have to overthink, analyze, or break down.

It just is.

Also today I'm grateful for a Heavenly Father who loves me, and knows the best way to convey that love to me. 17 years ago today He sent my sister to my parents, and she became mine. :) I love her. I'm grateful for her.

Happy November.

I guess tonight I will continue, in not quite as grand a fashion, the tradition of love notes. This was something that held strong in an old blog of mine; a way to communicate the deepest parts of me to those around me. Sometimes they were funny, others more somber. There were many 'hellos', a few brokenhearted 'goodbyes', and I catalogued them all.

Tonight, one of my dearest catalogued for her tribe, and I count myself lucky to have been a part of that.

You gave me lovely words to think about, Sis. So let me give them right back to you, and the rest of you beauties.

My darlings--

You have no idea the impact you have on this broken little heart of mine. I say broken because there's just no way my heart can be whole when I feel this much love for all of you. It had to have shattered ages ago. 

There are so many intricate pieces to you all, little things that tie me up in the silliest ways. The way you love jazz music. The way your eyes light up when you see the first fireflies of the summer. The way we laugh about how nothing has changed. The way your long earrings tangle in your hair. The way you get heated when you talk politics and religion in the same breath. The way you sound when you sing next to me. The way Jesus is your favorite shade of everything, except that bottle of coke at your elbow. The way your voice rumbles through your chest. The way we talk missions like we never left. The way you smile when you get excited. The way you want to be the very best you, and how that makes me want to be the very best me. The easy way you love those around you. The way your family enveloped me completely.

I've always suspected I would fall in love quickly, and I guess you are the proof. All it's ever taken for you to mean something to me is a smile. The rest of you took it from there.

You smile so brightly on the days it is the hardest for you to do so. You make me laugh when all I want to do is cry. You eat the food I make for you, and feed me because you're worried about how I'm taking care of myself. You text, call, and write letters. You send me songs that will lift me, or Vines you think will make me laugh. You envelope me in hugs when my days get too hard. You hold my hand when you force me to watch scary movies with you, and on the rare night, let me sleep in your bed because I can't stand feeling alone. You encourage me to be better, to push higher because I can be so much more than I give myself credit for, and I know this is sounding an awful lot like it's all about me but...

...it's always been about you.

You anchor me steady. (Is that proper English? Probably not, I don't really care.) You keep me laughing. You keep me from going crazy on the best days, and off grid on my worst.

I wish I could adequately express the things I feel for you, but I don't think there will ever be words to do it justice. So this awkward blog post will have to do.

I adore you.

That's it.

That's all.

Siempre.

Things that make me happy today:

Sis. Beastie. My parents. Plum lipstick. A cold coke. My sweatpants. Burrowing under sheets and fluffy blankets. Warm hugs. Journal sharing in Sunday school. Pineapples. Pomegranates. Music. My school. Bright orange skirts. The beauty who shared her donuts today. Mini cuddles from Lizabeth. Love notes. My calling at church. The painting Ishel did for me that sits on the top of my desk. Canadian Thanksgiving. Texts from my Dad. The dance last night. Seeing old friends. Feeling loved and validated by someone I haven't talked to in forever. My hair. The Ladd family. The smell of fall/winter. Praying prayers.

I'm blessed.
It's a good day.

It's just after midnight and I don't know how to feel.

October 3rd.

I've been home from my mission for exactly one year today.

My mission is the single greatest thing I have ever done in my life, and I've done some pretty great things. I remember receiving my call to serve in Canada the same day my brother was called to Guatemala, and it was so glorious. It was nerve wrecking. I was the first missionary in my family. I was going to live in Canada for 18 months of my young life.

I landed in Canada on a cold day at the beginning of April. The sun was shining, the sky hot blue, and my coat was not nearly thick enough.

And that was the beginning of my greatest adventure to date.

I lived my life from planner to planner. For some reason it was always in Spanish. (I blame Mom for that.) My tag and my scriptures were my favorite possessions. The day I took my tag off  was the worst day ever. I cried so hard. I had a total of like...5 skirts, 4 sweaters, and 7 or 8 shirts. That was it. Everything else in my two suitcases was some form of book, journal, letter, or keepsakes.

I kept a tie from each of my favorite Elders. When other stuff got sent home so my suitcases weren't so heavy, those ties stayed in my bag. My Elders were what got me through some of the hardest moments in my entire mission.

I have so many thoughts and memories from those 18 months. I miss that one time Bronson and I got a flat on the way to District meeting, and random strangers helped us with it and then shouted at our Elders to "help their girls". I miss all the nights at the Ladd's, the days at the Fisk's, the small hands tugging at my skirts trying to get my attention. I miss that moment when Sanjay told me he thought I was wonderful, and Rachelle told me we obviously had to have been friends in the pre-mortal world. I miss that moment Kate walked into the water and was baptized. I miss eating at Eloise's and Michele's.

I miss eating with my Elder's, and fixing their clothes, and feeding them when they call me and used their most pitiful voices. I miss cuddling my companions when they had hard days, and singing out loud in the car, and finding sneaky letters from them in my bag. I miss Friday night dinners at the Schiess' house. I miss my stupid suitcases!!!!!!! And my transformer sheets.

I miss the feeling of my lungs freezing during winter, haha. Such a weird thing to miss but I do. That one transfer when I had to ride the bus with Smith was probably one of the best transfers of my mish! Arevalo and Ruth taking our bags for us to District meeting while we walk to church.

This is my pink note to that year and a half: You were everything I ever wanted and more. And if I had to do it all over again? I would.

In a heartbeat.