Today I am grateful for the following:

Abby. Lizabeth aka Baby Housemate. Math tests I know how to do. Glasses. Chapstick. Engagement videos. Elder Stevens. Food. My iPhone. Nail polish. Hairbrushes. Pictures. That girl I lived with in Canada AKA Harrison. Keetch and his encouragement to be better. Pens. Journals. Blogs. My dogs. Thanksgiving. Patriarchal blessings. PRAYERS. My scriptures. Irish. Laptops. Beastie. Brielley. Soda pop. Dad. High fives. Hugs. Carlita. Jordan. Sweat pants. Dreams. Harry Potter. Laughter.

I just freakin love today.
It's a good day. Even though it didn't turn out the way I wanted/hoped, I made it a good day. I made it a freakin' awesome day.

And that's it. That's the end of today.
Go team. :)

I'm sitting at my kitchen table reading excerpt from Thomas More's "Utopia" with Baby Housemate. It's due tomorrow for class discussion. So we sit and chit chat away, talking about the pros and cons to a society such as that one. She's got a great mind so it's really very fun to have real/serious discussions with her.

Then in a moment, I looked at her over the tops of our laptops and asked, "Do you ever wonder how different you and your life would be if you weren't scared of how things would turn out?"

The corner of her mouth lifted, and her curls bobbed when she nodded. "All the time."

She then proceeded to create a list similar to the mental one I had been creating: what would have happened if I had asked that boy out on a date? what would this person have said if I had called them like I meant to? how much confidence would I have if I just did things because I wanted to, without worrying about the small minds of others? what kind of person would I be if I took risks? what would I have? where would I be?

I have a tendency to wait sometimes. It's not an active waiting, the kind that the prophets and apostles tell us is good for us because it teaches patience. It's an impatient waiting, and that impatience is what often brings on the small waves of sadness. Let me tell you, it sucks. A lot. I really don't like it, but it's a horrible habit I seem to have acquired over the years. I think it's that lack of active waiting that causes me to miss out on good things in life, to not take those chances to be and become.

I'm all about becoming. That is something I gained a pretty strong testimony of when I was serving out in the great white north of Canada. It is also something I have to do jointly with Christ. Lucky for me, He has infinite patience and is willing to work with a willful heart like mine.

I guess when it all comes down to it....I just want more. I want to do more. Be more. Help more. Love more.

Live more.

And that's not a bad place to be.

It's Wednesday, and I am currently at home sick on my bed.
AHhhhhhhhh!

I was kind of hoping to put the sickness off until a little later but apparently my immune system had other plans. I also just realized that my walls are covered in sticky notes that a friend left behind from her impromptu and short visit earlier. Shout out to the culprit: hiiiiii Jazzy.

Also just realized I use the word literally too much. I should stop that.

So yeah, from the floor of the life I lead today. All things considered it's still a pretty good day/week. I got some 100's in math, my room is clean just not organized, and my family is the best. The one I have here, the one I was born into plus da Bradts, and the Canadia one. :) I wicked miss Canada. One of my very good friends here got off her mish not too terribly long ago and we talk about missing "the promised land". I don't know what she calls Cali in her mind, but Canadia is todos los promised land.

Also you might laugh at my improper use of Spanish, but I don't care. It's something one of my favorite housemates does. Abby is one of the most hilarious people I have ever met in my life, and I know some really funny people. She totally looks out for me and likes to call me the real mvp when I do things for her.

Blue Ridge is cooling off and fall is sweeping in all breezy-like. I'm excited. Fall here is beautiful, and it's that much closer to THANKSGIVING BABY!!!!! Which is my dad's favorite Holiday. :) Wooo! I love Holiday's. I've already started the gift-buying insanity that is my favorite part of the year. #Goteam

Alright. I love all you crazies. Keep it real.
Don't get sick. Use hand sanitizer!!!!!

Stay beautiful.

I feel overwhelmed, and inadequate, and like I don't really know what the heck I'm doing in this life of mine.

But it's such a good day. It shouldn't even be a good day but it is! I was home sick, I have a crap load of homework to do, I didn't get to spend as much time with friends as I wanted this weekend, and to be honest it will be a freakin miracle if I pass all my classes this semester. Ahhhhhh!

Life is so good though.

I'm eating a weird mix of peas in a really basic chicken salad, drinking a juice I don't particularly like. And I'm sitting across the table from Baby Housemate, the one who seriously makes my heart so happy. It's not the same friendship that I have with the Beauty next door who just gets me. She gets so happy and excited over the tiniest things and it just makes. me. so. happy. She glows. I love that. The Beauty is the one that keeps tabs on me, makes sure that I'm alive and well even when she isn't doing too hot. She makes me feel like I matter. She's my fav.

I'm happy. These girls make me happy. God makes me happy cause I know He's paying attention. Also I have peppermint hot cocoa!!! How is that not the greatest thing ever?! And I have knitting stuff :)

Basically my life is a mess and it's freakin awesome.

I will never have this time again.

My life in Buena Vista. Here where my identity is largely determined by my student and RM status, where it seems the only thing I have to worry about is getting my homework done before the weekend comes round again. Because I do love this life, and in a lot of ways it is a life of ease, fun, and no responsibilities.

But it's a life of uncertainty, and it's temporary. This isn't a lifestyle that is ongoing, it's a station I'm stopping at for a moment before continuing on my way.

And sometimes, on the hard days I wish I had someone I could sit down with and ask;

"Does it ever get easier?"

I'm pretty sure I know the answer to that question. I just wish I had a safe spot to just sit. And talk.

And grow quietly.

Happy first post!

While I would usually use this post to kind of set up the background/foundation of what you will find on this blog, I'm not going to. Mostly because something else popped up while I was making lunch today and I want to write about that before I forget.

There's a whiteboard in my house that always has scribbling on it. Sometimes it hold quotes, notes, hashtags, or reminders. Today there's a quote that my baby housemate put on it last night in the middle of our math war. (Baby housemate is one of my two favs.)

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure..."

So I stood barefoot in my kitchen thinking about that quote while mixing mayonnaise into my tuna fish for lunch. I've always loved that quote. My mom used to quote it to me when I was younger, and as someone who has never had a healthy sense of self esteem, it spoke to me. I had power. I had light.
It's a happy thought, and I dig that. But as I'm making my lunch the thought and quote morph into something altogether and it made me stop and think.

What if never finding love isn't actually something I'm afraid of? What if my actual fear is what to do when it finds me?

*mind blown*

So that's where I'm at; reevaluating and weighing thoughts carefully and conversing with God, because at this point? It's all I can do.

Ah, what a life to lead...